Friday 21 December 2012

The big black blob of blah


It’s been a tough week. Not tough in the sense of hard or difficult. It’s been tough in the sense of blah.

I have a big black blob of blah that builds up inside of me from time to time. And no I haven’t been smoking wacky tobacco or popping illegal drugs. It’s “big” because it’s constantly growing, feeding on the disappointments and negativity in my life. It’s “black” because that’s what my mood becomes when it shows up. I call it a “blob” because it works pretty much like that creeping amoeba-like alien that Steve McQueen had to deal with in the movie – it covers everything and cuts off all that is good and light, growing bigger and bigger as it consumes more and more. And “blah” is pretty much self-explanatory – that’s how I feel inside when it’s around.

The big blob of blah has been around for a long time, pretty much since high school. I’ve always envisioned it looking like a really evil black Barbapapa. One day I’ll feel fine – laughing and joking – the next it’s like “clickety-click, Barba trick” and the blah descends (it's usually NOT smiling).



I try to work through the big blob of blah, forcing myself forward, always forward. Get dressed, go to work, do work, socialize with co-workers, go home, interact with the Goobers and the Genius, try to write. But the blob is made of sticky stuff. Peel it from one surface, and it’s soon stuck to another, like an annoying burr of negativity. And lately it’s been getting worse.

Back when I was young and gung-ho to change the world, I composed a mental list of experiences and accomplishments I hoped to achieve in my lifetime. The list was lengthy and – shall we say – overly optimistic. Here’s just a sampling of the feats I was going to accomplish:
  • Win an Academy Award – At first it was going to be in an acting category, then I moved on to directing. Now I’d settle for original work or adapted screenplay. Who am I kidding? I’d settle for best sound.
  • Write a “great” novel – Of course, along with that “great” novel would come fame and fortune, a Governor General’s Award, possibly the Giller or Man Booker prize, and the opportunity to adapt it to film, thus leading to the Academy Award.
  • Earn a university degree – When I toddled off to university many, many years ago, I was an immature idiot. I partied like it was 1999 (actually it was 1989) and blew all kinds of opportunities, mainly the chance to earn a degree. It’s something I’ve regretted very much. I have tried various times to get that ever elusive degree but life always becomes too busy and formal education falls by the wayside. So, alas, I only have an honors diploma.
  • Travel around the world – I have been to some amazing and beautiful places in my life, such as Israel, Egypt, Mexico and England. But currently I seem to be stuck in a rut of work trips to Iowa, Nebraska and Wisconsin. These are lovely places with great people but when you say Green Bay, exotic and exciting doesn’t come to mind.
  • Win the Triple Crown with a filly – I love horses and I love thoroughbred horse racing. I’ve always dreamed of owning a horse farm stabled with some of the fastest horses in the world. Of course, their bloodlines would all trace back to the great Man o’War, the original Big Red. Breeding and training a three-year-old horse that can win the Triple Crown is a great achievement and hasn’t been done in about 40 years. And it has never been accomplished by a filly.
  • Meet and be friends with some of my favorite celebrities – Yeah, right! Welcome to Fantasy Island! This has been a steadily shifting list of favorites that once included David Hasselhoff (from his Knight Rider days) and Mr. November from the 1986 or 1987 Chippendales calendar (I can’t remember which year). Now I’d want to party with Matthew Gray Gubler, the guy who plays Rick on The Walking Dead, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, Robert Pattinson (K-Stew can stay home) and a steady stream of dead famous people (Alfred Hitchcock, James Mason, John Belushi, etc.). And then I’d probably want Taylor Swift to write and sing a song about it.
  • Win an Olympic gold medal in the Three-Day Event – I can still remember the day my boyfriend in high school informed his mother that this is what I wanted to do when I “grew up.” The stunned minute of silence paired with rapid eye blinking should have been my first hint that this was maybe a bit much. Now, I’d be happy if I could fit into my riding breeches and heave my fat ass up on a horse.
  • Win the Nobel Prize for Literature – In order to win this baby, you have to have actually written a book; well, several books. And they would have to be REALLY GOOD. About the only criteria I currently meet for obtaining this great honor is the fact I have a pulse.
So, as you can see, having a firm grasp on reality and setting realistic goals are not my strong points. Thus leading to the big black blob of blah.

I’m getting older and older and older and with each passing year, accomplishing even one of these dreams is becoming harder and harder to attain. And that bums me out. BIG TIME. I had all these great ideas and optimistic goals (well, overly optimistic) and I haven’t been able to come close to even one of them. And the big black blob of blah likes to remind me of this – often. As a result, I take lots of blob-busters, lay on couches and talk to nice, understanding people, and wonder when the big black blob of blah will finally consume me.

1 comment:

  1. The Big Black Blob of Blah...makes it's rounds doesn't it. Hmmm. I don't remember who was Mr. November - but I do remember the calendars...Hmmm Chippendales :) You can buy the Calendars On-Line :)

    I hope you find it cathartic in writing about it...your posts bring back so many memories..not always easy ones, but definitely important ones.

    ReplyDelete