I have this strange fantasy. No, it’s not some sexually perverse bondage thing or involve the use of animals. It usually comes over me after something really bad has happened in the world: a woman is murdered by her husband, a teenage girl gang raped by a group of boys at a school dance, two toddlers stabbed to death by their father, or a crazed 20 year old – pissed off at his mom – walking into an elementary school and shooting dead 20 little kids.
My fantasy is this: I can make all the bad shit not happen. I would have the ability to foresee who are the good guys and who are the bad guys. With this ability, I would be able to “take out” the evil, perverse and wicked of the world before they had a chance to destroy, sort of like cutting the rot out of a tree so it can live and flourish. It would be like Minority Report meets Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or The Equalizer meets Kill Bill (all the volumes). I’d be one mean bitch with a samurai sword of justice.
I told you it was a strange fantasy.
It first came to me when I was 15-years-old. I was in the final few months of my freshman year of high school when my best friend was involved in a serious car accident. Her boyfriend was driving her to a school dance when he slammed head-on into another vehicle. He survived. She lived for about a week before she died, just a month short of her 15th birthday. There were all kinds of rumours about the accident – her boyfriend had been drinking, he had intentionally swerved in front of the car, the usual crap. It didn’t matter to me what the circumstances were. I just wanted him dead.
I planned his demise for days, weeks and months. Stabbing, smothering, drowning, pushed in front of a car, shoved down a flight of stairs, kicked in the head, run over by a tractor (I was a rural kid), trampled by a horse, eaten by pigs, drowned in a manure pit – I considered them all.
It was like some kind of weird therapy for me. It was rather morbid and violent but it made me feel better, like I was more in control. I might not have been able to stop the bad from happening but I could punish the person who I felt was responsible. I could do what the justice system never did (no charges were ever laid in the accident, at least none that I knew of).
Lucky for my best friend’s boyfriend – and probably for me – I never saw him again. After the accident, he disappeared. I never heard about him or was in his presence again. But even after all these years, I still keep an eye out. I’m not sure what I would do. I’m older now. I’ve tried to work out my issues, my demons, mourn my losses and heal. But there’s still this strange fantasy that comes along when I feel the world is off kilter, when the dark is overpowering the light. I imagine what the handle of sharp justice would feel like in my hand. And if I would have the courage in my heart.